Growing up, I was a very shy child and I didn’t have many friends. I was picked on A LOT by other kids.
I also switched elementary schools 5 or 6 times in my elementary days. This made it even harder to make friends and feel like it fit in.
I remember any and all assignments where we had to speak in front of the class…
Was my worst nightmare. I would end up stay up all night, tossing and turning for the fear of having to stand in front of the class and talk,
Because everyone’s eyes would be on me.
This was a very uncomfortable feeling for me.
Even to this day, I can remember what it was like standing in front of the class…
My face would start to turn red, and I have very fair skin so everyone noticed, my voice would become shakey and my mouth would get dry, making it much harder to speak. I was so stressed out, if you looked closely my hands would shake a bit too.
It was excruciating!
I didn’t like any attention on me. Even speaking in a group larger than 2 was hard.
This is what it was like for me,
In my younger years...I played alone A LOT.
Reflecting back, this was all linked to my self esteem. How I thought about myself. There was no self confidence, no feeling important or valuable.
It wasn’t intentional (I beleive it was generational), but there was this undertone with kids in my family...
Be there and around but not to be heard, especially in the odd large family gatherings.
Kids were to be well behaved and out of the way while the adults got there time, away from the kids.
And at home I felt this too. I know my mother did her best, she took care of me the best she could and I had all my needs met physically. And I do love and appreciate all that she did do.
But growing up I didn’t feel important, valued or like what I had to share was important, on a regular basis.
I took these false truths on, I started to tell myself these things at such a young age and kept them into my adult hood.
Because I didn’t love myself, I didn’t even know what that meant until my mid twenties!
This was such a new concept for me.
But when I started to explore this
Observe my own innner bully
I discovered that I was actually the worst bully out of them all.
Out of all the kids and family that may have been mean or cruel at times…
I was the worst and the meanest, (and that is saying a lot).
And on a regular, daily basis.
I was mind blown as I dug deeper,
The ways I would bully myself inward kept me back from so many things,
My inner bully impacted my whole life, all areas
Because it was continually there, telling me I wasn’t important, that I shouldn't share, I should keep quiet, stay small, and keep to myself.
Well, I don’t know about you, but being with myself and my inner bully could be excruciatingly painful.
I would make myself feel like garbage often, over many things, through many experiences, for no reason.
It made life harder than it ever needed to be and I had no idea I was even doing it!
It was just how things worked inside me.
It wasn’t until I opened the door within, and spent time exploring and observing that I really got insight into what I was doing to myself.
And I am a Virgo so criticism and judgements I know very well. I used to have a set of "standards" I felt I had to live by and be like, to be "perfect"!
And it drove me crazy!
And that led me into being a Licensed Soul Therapist because I knew I couldn’t keep living my life the way I was.
I don’t know it at the time by my inner bully was slowly killing me inside and the older I got, the harder and harsher it became until I just couldn’t take it, me, anymore.
I need to share this... self love is a life long journey and it is supposed to be.
There are still places and spaces I am still working with when they come up, but I can’t imagine who I would of been if I didn’t take this path.
I feel like my heart would be closed off and I would be cold and filled with anger and resentment towards myself and my life, which would be reflected outwards to others in my life, as well.
I am so thankful, I am not because I think my heart is my biggest asset and I love how much I can love. It’s definitely a huge part of me and I would never want to change that.
Where is your self love?
What does that mean, self love, for you?
Have you ever explored this, within you?
Do you wan to?
If you do...
Just for today, try to spend time observing the things you say, to yourself, how often, and the tone you say it.
How often are you harshing on yourself?
How often are you being your own inner cheerleader? (Yes you heard that right, inner cheerleader).
And if you choose to explore inward today, no judgements about what you observe. This is just to bring in awareness and judgments can take away these awarenesses.
So just for today, while you explore inward, let the judgements go and the awarenesses in.
Life gets so much more enjoyable when we are not beating ourselves up inside, regularly.
You are amazing, there is no one else here like you.
Thank you for being here, you are so needed and valuable.
I see you
I hear you
I am you
Much love, always
Wendy Anne Walker - Awaken to Your Authentic Self
If you are interested in exploring inward more often, to discover the amazing being you are, or you are ready to do some inner work to support you to step more into your authentic self, join me in circle. I would love to see you there💕
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Soul Circle ~ In Person
Virtual Monthly Soul Circle
Nourished Momma's Circle
I am here for you and because of you.